Another Long Goodbye

Some of you may recall that my grandma died a few years back after a long battle with Vascular Dementia. For those of you not familiar with it, the disease presents itself much the same as Alzheimer's. It's pretty much the worst thing ever; it's heart-wrenching, it's cruel and it's unfair. I lost both of my grandfathers to cancer and while that was awful, diseases of the mind are infinitely worse.

No one can prepare you for the first time that your loved one looks at you, after spending a lifetime together, and you can see that they have no recollection of who you are. Every holiday, every birthday, every memory shared...gone. There aren't words to accurately describe the pain. In the book that she wrote about losing her father, Patti Davis describes it this way: "Alzheimer’s snips away at the threads, a slow unraveling, a steady retreat; as a witness all you can do is watch, cry, and whisper a soft stream of goodbyes."

As we healed and recovered from the loss of Grandma, I prayed. I prayed a lot. I had long conversations with God and I pleaded that when it was time for the rest of us to be taken, both on my side of the family as well as Andy's, that it wouldn't have to happen that way. I asked that somehow, our loved ones would be mercifully taken home quickly and without pain.

My world was rocked on May 12th of this year. Exactly six months ago today, words that I had no idea were coming, and that I never expected to hear, were delivered in my living room. I'll never forget the sound of my dad's voice as he said, "You mom has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's."

"Why?" "How can this be?" "She is so young!" "She is only 62 years old!" "Are they sure?" "It can't be right!" "I (we) can't do this again!" All of these things, and many, many more, came out of my mouth that night. The days and weeks that followed were a blur of feelings: disbelief, anger, bitterness, fear...you name it, I felt it. I was angry at God. I kept asking, "Why this? Wasn't this the one thing that I asked not to have happen?" "Weren't you listening?!?" I was very, very angry.

I'm over the anger now; I've settled into acceptance. I thought about writing my feelings down as I was processing over the last few months, but I honestly couldn't put things into words; it wasn't the right time. I've been reflecting on it for a while now, I've been thinking that I'm ready. Realizing that today is the six month mark solidified that today was the day.

As for my mom, thankfully she is doing well. She seems to have a good team of doctors working with her, she's started a medication that will hopefully slow down the progression of the disease, and at last visit they were pleased with the (lack of) progression. All we can do is wait. We could have one good year left with her, we could have fifteen. I'm praying for the latter.

Gandalf said it best, "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."

I choose family time, creating memories, and making the most out of every time that we're together. And I pray daily that this goodbye won't come for a long, long time.