The One Where I Quit

In the words of the great Kenny Rogers, "You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run...."

I've tried.  I've really, really tried to keep up the blog this year, but I just can't. 

To be completely honest, I'm in so much inner turmoil right now that most days it takes most of my focus and energy to just get through the day.  And whatever additional focus I do have needs to be spent on other things than blogging.  Let's face it, I wasn't cranking out winners this year anyway.  

The Byrds told us (and so did the Bible, actually) that there is a season for everything.  As much as I wanted to fit writing into this season of my life, I've realized that it's not to be.  Maybe at some point in the future I'll be in a place to pick it up again.  But I've decided not to force it for the next 18 days and make myself sick over it.

I feel sad.  I feel like I'm letting myself down, as well as you, my very few but faithful readers. I'm actually tearing up a little as I write this.  I feel like I've failed.  But I also know that I need to try and let myself off the hook.  

I wish you all a wonderful Thanksgiving and hope that you're able to spend time with those you love.

Until I return...  

Love to you all.

Easier Said Than Done

finish each day and be done with it.
you have done what you could.
some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can.
tomorrow is a new day.
you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered by your old nonsense.

(emerson)



This is the second magnet that I purchased for the refrigerator, and there are a couple of things that I really do love about it.  

First is the line about forgetting the blunders and absurdities as soon as you can; and secondly, the part about not beginning a new day with your old nonsense.  You see, while I may be good at a few things, I’m absolutely terrible when it comes to extending grace to myself. 

When I fall on my face and make mistakes, whether they are trivial little things or big, life-altering poor decisions, I have an extremely hard time letting them go.  I don’t mean that they should be completely forgotten immediately and that there should be no consequences for our choices, but at some point I need to ask forgiveness or choose a different path (whatever the situation warrants) and then move on.  Living in the perpetual funk of guilt isn’t healthy.  Beating myself up for the same thing over and over and over again isn’t going to help me make better choices the next time.  In fact, it seems that the more I tell my myself what a horrible person I am, the more I start to believe it.  And let's face it, nothing good is going to happen at that point.

  

So I love Emerson’s quote. 

I also love the way The Message puts 1 Peter 5:7:

Live carefree before God; He is most careful with you.

Living carefree before God…how freeing of an idea is that?

So I can cast all of my cares His way, made adjustments to my life as needed, and then begin each new day without the weight of my old nonsense.

It certainly sounds like a better alternative to guilt and regret. 

If only it weren't so hard to put in to action.  

With A Little Help From My Friends

This morning I Googled sayings about friends. 

I came across the ever popular (yet slightly true): “Good friends don’t let you do stupid things…alone.”  

I liked this one: “A good friend knows all of your stories; a best friend has lived them with you.”

This one rang quite true for me, “A true friend is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while everyone else believes the smile on your face.”

I’m pretty good at painting a smile on my face; I think we all are, really.  We tend to let people see only what we want them to see and nothing more.  We’re proficient at putting up barriers and pretending that everything is just fine.  Part of it is common sense.  I am asked at least one hundred times a day (at work) how I’m doing.  In most cases, it wouldn't be appropriate to answer anything other than the usual, “I’m great, thanks!”  But sometimes, my insides are screaming at me, “I’m NOT great!  I’m feel like I’m being swallowed up with sadness/anger/guilt/confusion etc.”

This seems especially true, for me at least, at church.  I've perfected the Sunday Smile and am able to, for a few hours, pretend that everything is excellent when in reality my life is a mess.  Have you done that?  I’ll bet you have.  Even if your life isn't in some kind of a major upheaval, think about the times when you've had an argument with your spouse or a rough morning with your kids, and then you pull into the church parking lot, affix the smiles, and off you go as if life were all hearts and flowers. 

I’m not picking on churches here, please don’t get me wrong.  I’m simply pointing out that even in the place where it should be safe and acceptable to be our authentic selves, we tend to hide it.  While it is fine and appropriate that we are guarded when we choose to be, after all we shouldn't be blubbering idiots all the time, it’s terribly important that we have people that we can be open and honest with, people with whom we can be our true selves regardless of what that looks like. 

That being said, I've got a few friends, a few friends who are extremely dear to me, who are able to easily look past the smile and see the real me.   God has blessed me with a few friendships that have grown over years, decades really, of walking through life together.  They know me, the real me, and for some unexplained reason they still seem to like me!  In the past year I have leaned on them far more than ever before, and they have been there.  They love me unconditionally, they comfort me when I’m hurting, and they call me on the carpet when I've done something stupid.  Whether is a huge crisis or a late-night-before-you’re-leaving-town toothache, they’re there for me. 

So here’s one last quote, just for them.

“Here’s to the nights that turned into mornings with friends that turned into family.”

Words From Across The Pond

Today I'm starting a new series;  it’s only five weeks long so it will fit perfectly with the five Mondays that we have in November.

During a de-cluttering phase that I went through back in January, I got rid of everything that was on my refrigerator.  You know...pictures, various magnets, notes, etc.  I had never thought about it before, but it was actually stressing me out - the constant look of disarray was really starting to bug me.  It was such a simple thing, but I was so happy when I was able to look at the clean, white refrigerator.

Over the course of the year, I’ve collected five new magnets that now reside there.  Before you think I’ve gone and cluttered it all up again, let me assure you that it still looks wonderfully tidy.  All of the magnets are white with black lettering, and they’re all the same size!  (Uniformity makes so very happy.)  They align perfectly along the top and they serve as reminders to me whenever I need a kick in the pants or a little extra help getting through the day.  I thought that I’d share them with you (in the order that I purchased them); perhaps at some point they will encourage you as they have me.

The first one is a reasonably famous quote by Winston Churchill.  It reads:


“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”


So simple and yet so profound.

How often do we find ourselves in the middle of difficulty and we’re so paralyzed with fear, indecision, or pain that we do nothing?  We just remain there as if we're physically stuck.  I’ve been there lately more times than I care to count.  I love being able to read this simple quote and be jarred to movement.  It reminds me that I don’t need to have all of the answers, I don’t even necessarily need to have a coherent plan, but I do need to do something.  Sitting and wallowing in whatever hell I find myself in doesn’t help me; taking a step and looking for a solution, even if I change paths a million times before finding the right path, is a good thing.  It’s doing something.  It's being proactive.  It’s not giving up and allowing myself to be defined by or controlled by my circumstances.

So I'm trying, with a little help from Winston, to remember to keep going.

The Undefeated

I spent this evening watching a football game.  The Broncos (officially my team these days, but that's another story) were hosting the Packers.  Neither team had lost a game yet, so the graphics going into each commercial break showed a big banner that read, "The Undefeated." Normally I am able to tune out silly graphics, but for some reason the words stuck with me and I began to notice them each time they popped up.  

About halfway through the game, I realized that today is indeed November 1st and therefore the beginning of yet another NaBloPoMo.  Earlier this year I had thought about participating again, but honestly I haven't thought about it in months.  Suddenly, I was faced with making an immediate decision.  After all, there are only a handful of hours left in the day!  All of the usual doubts filled my mind: I don't have enough time, I don't have anything interesting to say, nobody reads it or cares about it anyway, why bother blogging one month of the year and then letting it sit dormant for the other eleven months...  The list went on and on.  Still, I couldn't shake a nagging feeling of failure if I let it go.  This would be the eighth year of Snow Comes Up; I'm not great at this, but am I really ready to call it quits?  Was this just my OCD talking, or was this really something that I wanted to do?

As my brain argued with itself and I continued to cheer Denver on to another victory (wahoo!), I finally put it all together:  the blogging, the doubts, and the football game.  

This year has been hard.  Ridiculously hard.  I have struggled in ways that I had never imagined and had to walk down a path that I never thought would be required of me.  My life, in many ways, has been turned upside down.  I have felt, for so much of this year, completely and utterly defeated.  I don't mean that in a flippant and cliche kind of way; I have been completely broken and have had to fight each and every day to put all of the pieces back together.  Defeated.  

Except that I'm not. and the goofy NBC graphic reminded me of that.  As I read "The Undefeated" over and over, 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 came to mind.  Actually, it hit me like a ton of bricks!  It reads:

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

While walking through dark moments, it is easy for me to feel crushed, to despair, to feel abandoned and destroyed.  To feel defeated.  But that's a lie.  That's the enemy talking.  The reality is that I am, in fact, none of those things.  I may be going through times of trial, but I am being held by a Father who created me (Psalm 139) and who has delivered me (Psalm 56:13).  

I am...Undefeated.

How does this all relate to the blog, you ask?  Well, it really doesn't.  Except that it was a reminder to me that even in the muck of this life, there is hope.  There can be healing.  There can be restoration.  And there can be normalcy.  And for that reason, I will try my hand at writing again this month.  I will continue to put one foot in front of the other, I will remember Who holds me, and I will once again try to find the joy in putting even my most ridiculous thoughts to paper (well, to the Internet) this year.  And I promise you, some will be exceedingly ridiculous.  Will I complete all thirty days?   I have no idea.  

But regardless, I am undefeated.

Done

Thirty days of posting!  I did it!  The posts might not have been of much quality some days, but I am pleased with myself for getting something in writing each day. I had anticipated this being one of my weaker years.  I'm in a very weird place right now.  Introspection has shown that there are really two big factors contributing to my perpetual funk.  

The first is the coming of the empty nest.  In less time than it takes to cook a baby, we'll have no kids living at home.  I realize that this is part of life and that everyone goes through it; I don't think that I have the market cornered on loving and missing your kids.  It's possible that being an only child (of an only child) has shaped me a little differently than many though; I cling to those close to me very tightly because there are so few people close to me.  The value that I place on family time is exorbitant.  It's made for some wonderful traditions and memories over the years, but it is also making the coming changes very hard.  

Similarly, the other big factor is family related as well.  I'm having a rather difficult time with the changing dynamic in my family due to my mom's illness.  I won't get in to all of the details as some are personal, and some will just sound like me whining.  I'll just say that I'm not dealing with it very well and leave it at that.  

Both of those things, as well as a few other issues, have kept me in a continuous state of yuck for a while now.  That's why I've tried so hard this month to take my eyes off of myself and focus on being thankful.  It's harder to wallow in your own junk when you're trying to keep a stream of thanksgiving going.  I think I'm on the right track; I was given a great reminder this morning when our Associate Pastor quoted Philippians 2:3-5.

"Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.  Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had."

What perfect words to keep me going!  As I enter this Christmas season with substantially more baggage than I usually carry around, I was admonished to keep my attitude in check.  Instead of thinking about myself and what I'm dealing with and keeping my eyes inward, I am to look at how I can serve others and lift them up!  It's such a freeing thought, really.  Whether it's serving my family, my friends, or complete strangers, I need to be mindful of opportunities that I have to make a difference for other people.  I'm excited! 

My final thought, since it relates to my current situation, is a movie quote that I heard the other night.  Bonnie Hunt says it at the end of Cheaper By The Dozen 2 (I may have been watching it and crying a little bit the other night).  It's a beautiful quote and it helped me put things into perspective, even if for just a little while.  I'll leave you with her time-appropriate words, and wish you a wonderful holiday season and a very Merry Christmas!  Thank you for taking this journey with me.  -xoxo

Letting go is the hardest thing you can do as a parent.  

You have to settle with the past, engage in the present, and believe in the future.  

That vacation at Lake Winnetka reminded Tom and me that 

we're always learning as parents, and that the bond is forever.

Even as the kids grow up and venture out on their own, 

we'll always be with them and they'll always be with us...

because life is a voyage that is homeward bound.

Almost There

You might think that the title of tonight's post is in reference to the coming end of NaBloPoMo.  If so, you'd be partly correct.  Those who are especially perceptive will note that it is also a (frequently quoted in our house) line from the trench run in the greatest movie of all time - Star Wars.

There has been much ballyhoo about the upcoming movies in the last few days.  I've been trying very hard not to read articles that surface on the line (sorry, I recently re-watched The Internship); I don't want to be swayed by public opinion or come across any potential spoilers.  I was quite unhappy when Lucas sold the franchise to Disney and I was only guardedly happy when I heard that they were indeed going to make a new set of movies. 

Don't get me wrong...if done correctly, I'd be giddy as a schoolgirl!  I was just unsure if I could trust anyone to really do it justice.  Let's face it, Episodes I and III weren't great.  Parts of them were downright awful.  Episode III was pretty enjoyable, although it did forever skew my perception of Darth Vader - I wasn't thrilled about that.  But really...are three more really necessary?  From a money making standpoint it totally makes sense.  They want to get yet another generation hooked.  But for this child of the 80's who is a purist, I'm a little worried. 

My initial reaction to J.J. Abrams was positive; I like what he did with the Star Trek reboots.  But I was still very unsure.  It's like I really really wanted to be excited but I was still holding my breath.  And then the trailer came out yesterday. 

Sigh.  Have you seen it? 

My men and I all huddled around my phone and anxiously watched it.  For the first thirty seconds we honestly thought it was a joke, and that someone had spoofed the real thing.  Then for a few seconds it looked like a video game commercial.  Only at the end did we realize that it was indeed the actual trailer.  One of my men was quite charitable and said that "as long as it's better than Phantom Menace it'll be okay."  The rest of us weren't so sure.

My apprehension was further validated by various posts and reviews that we read this morning.  Look up William Shatner's various tweets about the trailer.  They're pretty funny.  And then I saw this:

 

So wrong.  

Not the quote that someone wrote, but the fact that there is a new movie coming out and in only 24 hours people are already not taking it seriously.  My worst fears are already coming true.  Star Wars should never be mocked, and it's quite sad that as a franchise, it's come to this.

I will undoubtedly see the new movies.  I'll probably even brave the crowds on opening night.  

But deep down inside, I'm very worried.  Kind of like how my dad never wants to have another  cherry coke from the soda fountain in the little town where he spent his summers as a kid because he's afraid that it wouldn't live up to the awesomeness of his memory.  That pretty much sums up how I feel about the new movies.  I'll see them.  But I'm very afraid that at the end of the day, when looked at with a critical eye, I'm not going to like them.

And that makes this Star Wars junkie very sad.

Random Thoughts As I Wait For The Pies To Cool

I really do think that I broke my finger last week. 

I just listened to part of a wildly inappropriate song during some movie credits.  No idea what the movie was - we turned it off.

Three pies, a massive apple turnover, fudge, and peppermint bark...probably way too much dessert for six people.

I love my new Christmas lights.  SDG&E will love me since they're the old energy-sucking kind.

My nephew said that if I set up an account, he'll Snapchat with me.  Do I want to?  Could be fun.  I'd love to keep in contact with him more. 

My husband knew most of the answers on Jeopardy this evening.  He should go and win us some money.

I love that I get to have Thanksgiving all over again tomorrow.  I can't wait for the mashed potatoes.  I hope my parents bought enough butter, because it really does take a mountain of butter.

I skipped the gym today, so I should probably to in the morning.

I'm happy that I can hear both of my children upstairs.  Sunday is going to come too soon.

My mister will be traveling next week.  I'm going to be insanely lonely. 

I really should start Christmas shopping.  I could to go to Target right now.  I was tempted a few minutes ago.  Then I thought better of it.  I don't like shopping or people.

Watched two movie trailers yesterday (before watching Divergent) and both movies had high school kids having sex.  Really?  I mean, I know that they do, I'm not stupid.  But do we have to advocate it so boldly and make it seem so nonchalant? 

I miss having acrylic nails.  They really made my ugly hands look better.

College waiting for #2 seems more stressful than it did for #1.  Two of the nine accepted him already; would the rest please follow suit?

I don't want to go back to work on Monday.  Can I just call in sick until January?


Goodnight, my friends.  Happy Thanksgiving!

The Post That Really Isn't A Post

There are days that are happy and wonderful and you have an endless amount of potential blog topics.  Unfortunately, there are also days that are (for no one particular reason) exceedingly difficult and the thought of sitting down and writing makes you want to either pull your hair out or crawl under a blanket and hide.  Perhaps my Mr. is on to something and that's the folly of NaBloPoMo.  Why put so much pressure on oneself for thirty days out of the year when you don't generally blog for the other three hundred and thirty five?  At any rate, once I've committed to doing something I can't really quit.  So in the spirit of thankfulness that I've been working on this month, and in an effort to take the focus off of my negative thoughts, there are five things that I am thankful for right now.

Despite my grumpy attitude towards him earlier,
my husband is out back right now putting up my Christmas lights. 
(They won't go on, but they'll be ready.)

The smell of freshly baked oatmeal cookies
lingers in the house for a very long time.

I got a prime parking spot at Target today
and there were surprisingly few people there
for eleven o'clock on Sunday.

The weekend that we had in Santa Monica.
You saw the pictures of the date day,
a post about the real reason for the trip
will be coming later this week.
Phenomenal trip.

My eldest and his friends are hosting a
pancake party in their apartment tonight.

for some reason, that delights me.  

Sorry for not being witty or thought-provoking this year.  I've been on a weird personal journey lately.

The Worst Kind of Text

At the gym this morning, I almost cried.  I don’t mean that in a figurative way either; I literally had to pause and fight back tears.

The news story that was being reported was regarding the shooting that occurred last night at Florida State University.  They were describing what happened and showing photos that the students had taken with their cell phones as they were barricaded in their classrooms.   Tables, chairs, anything that they could find they had moved to block the doors.  You could see students huddled together and talking on their cell phones.  They mentioned that many of the students sent texts to their parents and loved ones.  They showed one in particular; a girl had texted the following to her mom:

“There’s a man with a gun in the library.  I love you.”

As soon as I read that, I immediately felt sick to my stomach; it took my breath away.  Stop for a second and think about that…imagine what it would be like if you were going about your evening and you received that text from your child.  It’s terrifying.  And it's becoming all to common. 

We as parents spend the greater part of two decades shepherding and watching over our children.  We keep them fed, clothed, and protected.  Mama (or Papa) Bear is never too far away and can be ready for battle at a moment’s notice if our children are endangered in any way.  And then we send them away.  We send our precious babies out into a big, scary world…alone.    

I had a small glimpse of it when John moved out last year.  It was very strange to see him (via Facebook) with people and in places that were foreign to me.  It was just such a new concept, not knowing what he was doing.  It was awful when he got sick.  It was bad enough when I thought he had the flu.  It was the first time he had been sick away from home and I wanted to jump in the car and take him some homemade soup!  It was magnified a hundredfold when we realized that it was a much more significant illness.  Not being there?  Not being able to immediately and practically help him through it?  The endless guessing game and hours of conversations with my Mr. trying to determine when was the appropriate time to step in?  Hearing pain in my son’s voice over the phone?  It was terrible.  I have never felt more helpless in my entire life.

I’ve heard people say over and over that you just have to “give them to the Lord,” and that “He’s got them in His hands.”  I know that in my head.  I believe that He loves them far more than I ever could, which really is beyond comprehension.  I believe that nothing is going to surprise Him.  But I also know that He quite routinely allows horrific things to happen to those He loves.  Therefore the whole “giving them to the Lord” idea feels a bit like a Sunday School answer to me.   I know that praying for them is what I’m supposed to do.  And I do.  I really do. But it just doesn’t feel like enough.  Knowing the evils of the world and the crap that life deals you sometimes, I find it very difficult to reconcile the hands-off approach with my mother’s heart.  

They’re grown.  One is gone and the other will be out of here in nine months.  They are independent.  And that’s how it should be.  But when my phone rings (or I get a text) and I see that it’s from one of them, the excitement of hearing from them is always momentarily delayed as I wonder what might be wrong.  I inadvertently cringe inside for a slit-second until I hear that everything is okay.   Maybe that will lessen in time; we’ll have to wait and see.  It's not like I"m going to love them any less or the world is going to suddenly get better.

Growing up is hard. 
Stepping aside to let them grow up?  That’s even harder.  

Ten on Wednesday

I'd written a Ten on Tuesday list yesterday, but I didn't get it posted because I was distracted by my soapbox.  I did want to share it though, so here you go - what would have been yesterday's post!  Enjoy!



There are days (or periods of time) when your job is fun and great and wonderful.  Conversely, there are times when your job feels, well, less than magical.  I'm going through one of those slumps.  However, since I am working on this whole Thankfulness thing, I decided to list ten things about my job (even the silly stuff) that make me smile. It seems better to dwell on the fun rather than the junk.

1.  Helping the Littles.  This may come as a shock to you, but I honestly don't like kids.  That being the case, working at an elementary school occasionally seems like an odd choice for me.  But I really do love it when I am able to help a little one get through their day.  Some of them are pretty darned cute. 

2.  Summers and Breaks.  I have a job that gives me a week off at Thanksgiving, two at Christmas, one in February, one in March, and seven weeks during the summer.  It's hard to complain about that!  If I ever leave the school system, that'll be a huge adjustment.

3.  My new A.P.  We got a new Assistant Principal this year, and she is absolutely wonderful.  We sit across from each other so we can make faces at each other and communicate non-verbally when necessary.  Working with her is something that I look forward to every day.

4.  My Parking Space.  Who wouldn't like having their own parking space?  It's pretty rad.

5.  Flexibility/Understanding of Family Issues.  All of the ladies that I work with in the office are moms, so they are very cool when I have to leave suddenly or take time off.  You know, like when your son gets a concussion or punctures a lung, or when another son has to sing at out of town events.  They're pretty understanding and they don't really give me a hard time.  I appreciate that. 

6.  Casual Fridays.  It's amusing how happy I get when I pull out the jeans and t-shirts on Friday mornings. 

7.  Pandora.  This year we're listening to Pandora in the office each day.  It really does make the time pass more quickly; I've never liked working in a quiet office.  Definitely a positive change.

8.  Teachers Who Say Funny Things.  We've got some teachers who often say hysterical things and keep us in stitches.  I love our staff.

9.  Feeling Like I'm Contributing To My Family.  Paying for college is quite a tall order, as many of you know.  I'm thankful that I was provided with an opportunity to contribute, even in my small way.

10.  An Outlet For My Talents.  I'm ridiculously organized and efficient; I love that I have a place to use those skills.  After all, one can only organize one's house so often...at some point there isn't anything left to do and you need to move on.  Now I have a whole office and four other people to work on!  Making things run smoothly makes me very, very happy.



If you are in a position that you're not thrilled with, I would encourage you to start looking for the little things that make you happy.  They may seem small and insignificant, but I'm finding that given time, I am able to focus more on the good than the negative.  It's a daily struggle sometimes, but one that I think is worth tackling.  I don't want to let less than ideal circumstances rob me of  life's joy. 

Ripped From The Headlines

This promises to be one of my more disjointed posts.  I just need to vent.  

I typically try to stay away from political or controversial social topics; generally speaking I'm not going to add anything new to the conversation.  Unfortunately, while I was at the gym tonight, I realized that I've had enough. With Ebola now out of the limelight (for now), all of the headlines have a current theme.  As I write this post, here are the headlines that the various news agencies have running:

"FBI warns that Ferguson grand jury decision 'will likely' lead to violence."  -Fox News

"Governor declares state of emergency in Ferguson." -CNN

"Ferguson prepares for the worst ahead of grand jury decision." -MSNBC (How irrelevant are they these days?)

The whole thing disgusts me.  

Back in September, TIME ran this cover.  Really, TIME?   No investigation, no facts, no step back for a moment, just an image of an African American kid politely surrendering.  Trying to affect the jury pool much?

 

I'm not saying that I know the truth of what happened.  I don't.  I readily admit that I don't.  But the thing is, these people don't either!  Maybe the cop is a terrible, racist individual as many people would have us believe.  Or perhaps he isn't an awful human being, but the situation just escalated too quickly and he made a poor choice.  But maybe, just maybe, Michael Brown wasn't the angel that his parents would like us to think that he is, and the police officer acted appropriately for someone who's life was being threatened.  You'd better believe that if I had a gun and my life was being threatened, one of us wouldn't be walking away.  If either of the first two scenarios are true though, then the police officer absolutely deserves to be held accountable in an appropriate way and it would be wrong if he wasn't.  But if the third option, or a derivative thereof is true, then he is being sorely misjudged and falsely vilified.  

People talk about getting "justice for Michael."  Listen to them, really listen to them; they don't want justice - they want revenge.  Justice would be reviewing all of the facts and reserving judgement until everything had come out.  That isn't what these people are about.  The Brown family even admitted last week that there was nothing that could come out that would change their mind.  Tried, judged, sentenced...their mind is already made up.  They even went to the United Nations to "get redress for our son."  I don't understand that.  Injustice hasn't happened!  An individual was shot, an investigation is taking place.  Period.  Should be the end of the story for now.  Oh, and while all of this was going on, an African American cop shot an unarmed white kid in Utah.  Not only did Utah not explode, but the media largely left that one alone.  They wouldn't be able to continue fanning the flames of racial inequality in Missouri if they admitted that there were other (reverse) racially involved shootings going on in other parts of the country. 

I guess I'm glad that the city is bracing for the decision; better to be prepared than not.  Bring in the National Guard, bring in the Marines if that's what it takes to protect law-abiding citizens.  But I don't understand, no, I can't even fathom a sub-culture that advocates behavior like this.  One where if you don't get your way,  you will injure others and destroy their property.  One that has a city "bracing for violence."  It's animalistic and it doesn't belong in a civilized society. 

I really do hope that the grand jury gets it right; that they come to the correct decision based on the evidence and the evidence alone.  I hope that emotion and politics and social commentary are left out of it.  Race shouldn't even enter their minds in any way; they should be looking at an officer involved shooting, nothing more.  I hope that if the officer is guilty of a crime, that he is made to pay for that crime.  I hope that if he isn't guilty, that he (and his family) would be protected, because I fear what people might do.  And I hope that those who would break the law and commit crimes against people and property just to show their displeasure are rounded up, arrested, and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. 

I hope that our justice system works, and that we won't be given over to and forced to simply react to mob mentality.  Because that isn't justice in any way, shape, or form. 

Convicted

This month, our pastors are giving a short series entitled Metamorphosis; we’re studying Romans 12.  Last week we studied the first two verses and looked at not being conformed to this world, but rather being transformed to be more like Christ.  Today our pastor spoke on verses three through eight.  

Verse three says (in part), “…Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought…” and our pastor spent some time talking about how we are not to be self-centered.  He pointed out how society leads us to an over-inflated sense of self.  Immediately, I sat there thinking, “Well I’m not self- centered.  I do have some less than desirable qualities, but self-centeredness isn’t really one of them.”  (That should have been a red flag right there.)  Then he said to consider this:  “You’re driving down the freeway; everyone who drives faster than you is a maniac, and everyone who drives slower than you is an idiot.  Right?  We become the standard and everything is measured against us.” 

Gulp.

It hit me like a ton of books just how very self-centered I am.  We probably all are, really.  At least I like to think that I’m not alone.  All of society, all of life, constantly bombards us with the idea that we need to be looking out for #1, that we know best, and that we can take care of ourselves.  We’re taught to always be thinking, “What can this do for me?”  The view is always inward and the focus is always on us.  It’s terrible really; I was willing to list my other short-comings but was so blinded, so prideful, that my first reaction was to deny that I have a bigger problem.  

Pastor Doug then shared the following quote by C.S. Lewis:
“…the utmost evil, is pride. Unchastity, anger, greed, drunkenness, and all that, are mere flea bites in comparison: it was through pride that the devil became the devil: pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind…”

Whoa.

I began thinking about how many things in my life are direct consequences of pride.  The annoyance that I am continually struggling with at work?  There’s a bit of validity there, but close examination reveals that there truly is some pride involved.  The argument that I had with my husband last night?  Definitely pride.  My tendency to look to be validated in my accomplishments, largely because of my low sense of self-worth?  Pride, and a completely incorrect view of myself as a child of God.     

Pastor Doug completed the sermon speaking about how we are instructed not to be self-centered, but we are to be self-aware.  He also brought up three ways that our faith can change the way that we see ourselves.  I’m planning to go back and listen to the sermon again, as clearly today’s words were words that I really needed to hear.  You could listen too if you’d like.  Click here and you have the option of listening to the audio, watching the video, and looking at the message outline.

So today I am thankful for our church, that it’s a place where we are safe and where we can grow and learn.  I am thankful for our pastoral staff; each and every one of them is amazing and we are so very blessed to be under their leadership.  And I’m thankful for the Holy Spirit’s conviction; it isn’t always pleasant and it most often doesn’t feel good, but it’s beautiful and necessary as we seek to be more like Him.  

Today, with absolute humility and in all sincerity, I accept our pastor’s challenge to pray these two simple words as we continue looking at Romans 12.

“Change me.”

Psalm 139:23-24 (NLT)

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.