The Undefeated

I spent this evening watching a football game.  The Broncos (officially my team these days, but that's another story) were hosting the Packers.  Neither team had lost a game yet, so the graphics going into each commercial break showed a big banner that read, "The Undefeated." Normally I am able to tune out silly graphics, but for some reason the words stuck with me and I began to notice them each time they popped up.  

About halfway through the game, I realized that today is indeed November 1st and therefore the beginning of yet another NaBloPoMo.  Earlier this year I had thought about participating again, but honestly I haven't thought about it in months.  Suddenly, I was faced with making an immediate decision.  After all, there are only a handful of hours left in the day!  All of the usual doubts filled my mind: I don't have enough time, I don't have anything interesting to say, nobody reads it or cares about it anyway, why bother blogging one month of the year and then letting it sit dormant for the other eleven months...  The list went on and on.  Still, I couldn't shake a nagging feeling of failure if I let it go.  This would be the eighth year of Snow Comes Up; I'm not great at this, but am I really ready to call it quits?  Was this just my OCD talking, or was this really something that I wanted to do?

As my brain argued with itself and I continued to cheer Denver on to another victory (wahoo!), I finally put it all together:  the blogging, the doubts, and the football game.  

This year has been hard.  Ridiculously hard.  I have struggled in ways that I had never imagined and had to walk down a path that I never thought would be required of me.  My life, in many ways, has been turned upside down.  I have felt, for so much of this year, completely and utterly defeated.  I don't mean that in a flippant and cliche kind of way; I have been completely broken and have had to fight each and every day to put all of the pieces back together.  Defeated.  

Except that I'm not. and the goofy NBC graphic reminded me of that.  As I read "The Undefeated" over and over, 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 came to mind.  Actually, it hit me like a ton of bricks!  It reads:

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

While walking through dark moments, it is easy for me to feel crushed, to despair, to feel abandoned and destroyed.  To feel defeated.  But that's a lie.  That's the enemy talking.  The reality is that I am, in fact, none of those things.  I may be going through times of trial, but I am being held by a Father who created me (Psalm 139) and who has delivered me (Psalm 56:13).  

I am...Undefeated.

How does this all relate to the blog, you ask?  Well, it really doesn't.  Except that it was a reminder to me that even in the muck of this life, there is hope.  There can be healing.  There can be restoration.  And there can be normalcy.  And for that reason, I will try my hand at writing again this month.  I will continue to put one foot in front of the other, I will remember Who holds me, and I will once again try to find the joy in putting even my most ridiculous thoughts to paper (well, to the Internet) this year.  And I promise you, some will be exceedingly ridiculous.  Will I complete all thirty days?   I have no idea.  

But regardless, I am undefeated.

Done

Thirty days of posting!  I did it!  The posts might not have been of much quality some days, but I am pleased with myself for getting something in writing each day. I had anticipated this being one of my weaker years.  I'm in a very weird place right now.  Introspection has shown that there are really two big factors contributing to my perpetual funk.  

The first is the coming of the empty nest.  In less time than it takes to cook a baby, we'll have no kids living at home.  I realize that this is part of life and that everyone goes through it; I don't think that I have the market cornered on loving and missing your kids.  It's possible that being an only child (of an only child) has shaped me a little differently than many though; I cling to those close to me very tightly because there are so few people close to me.  The value that I place on family time is exorbitant.  It's made for some wonderful traditions and memories over the years, but it is also making the coming changes very hard.  

Similarly, the other big factor is family related as well.  I'm having a rather difficult time with the changing dynamic in my family due to my mom's illness.  I won't get in to all of the details as some are personal, and some will just sound like me whining.  I'll just say that I'm not dealing with it very well and leave it at that.  

Both of those things, as well as a few other issues, have kept me in a continuous state of yuck for a while now.  That's why I've tried so hard this month to take my eyes off of myself and focus on being thankful.  It's harder to wallow in your own junk when you're trying to keep a stream of thanksgiving going.  I think I'm on the right track; I was given a great reminder this morning when our Associate Pastor quoted Philippians 2:3-5.

"Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.  Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had."

What perfect words to keep me going!  As I enter this Christmas season with substantially more baggage than I usually carry around, I was admonished to keep my attitude in check.  Instead of thinking about myself and what I'm dealing with and keeping my eyes inward, I am to look at how I can serve others and lift them up!  It's such a freeing thought, really.  Whether it's serving my family, my friends, or complete strangers, I need to be mindful of opportunities that I have to make a difference for other people.  I'm excited! 

My final thought, since it relates to my current situation, is a movie quote that I heard the other night.  Bonnie Hunt says it at the end of Cheaper By The Dozen 2 (I may have been watching it and crying a little bit the other night).  It's a beautiful quote and it helped me put things into perspective, even if for just a little while.  I'll leave you with her time-appropriate words, and wish you a wonderful holiday season and a very Merry Christmas!  Thank you for taking this journey with me.  -xoxo

Letting go is the hardest thing you can do as a parent.  

You have to settle with the past, engage in the present, and believe in the future.  

That vacation at Lake Winnetka reminded Tom and me that 

we're always learning as parents, and that the bond is forever.

Even as the kids grow up and venture out on their own, 

we'll always be with them and they'll always be with us...

because life is a voyage that is homeward bound.

Convicted

This month, our pastors are giving a short series entitled Metamorphosis; we’re studying Romans 12.  Last week we studied the first two verses and looked at not being conformed to this world, but rather being transformed to be more like Christ.  Today our pastor spoke on verses three through eight.  

Verse three says (in part), “…Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought…” and our pastor spent some time talking about how we are not to be self-centered.  He pointed out how society leads us to an over-inflated sense of self.  Immediately, I sat there thinking, “Well I’m not self- centered.  I do have some less than desirable qualities, but self-centeredness isn’t really one of them.”  (That should have been a red flag right there.)  Then he said to consider this:  “You’re driving down the freeway; everyone who drives faster than you is a maniac, and everyone who drives slower than you is an idiot.  Right?  We become the standard and everything is measured against us.” 

Gulp.

It hit me like a ton of books just how very self-centered I am.  We probably all are, really.  At least I like to think that I’m not alone.  All of society, all of life, constantly bombards us with the idea that we need to be looking out for #1, that we know best, and that we can take care of ourselves.  We’re taught to always be thinking, “What can this do for me?”  The view is always inward and the focus is always on us.  It’s terrible really; I was willing to list my other short-comings but was so blinded, so prideful, that my first reaction was to deny that I have a bigger problem.  

Pastor Doug then shared the following quote by C.S. Lewis:
“…the utmost evil, is pride. Unchastity, anger, greed, drunkenness, and all that, are mere flea bites in comparison: it was through pride that the devil became the devil: pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind…”

Whoa.

I began thinking about how many things in my life are direct consequences of pride.  The annoyance that I am continually struggling with at work?  There’s a bit of validity there, but close examination reveals that there truly is some pride involved.  The argument that I had with my husband last night?  Definitely pride.  My tendency to look to be validated in my accomplishments, largely because of my low sense of self-worth?  Pride, and a completely incorrect view of myself as a child of God.     

Pastor Doug completed the sermon speaking about how we are instructed not to be self-centered, but we are to be self-aware.  He also brought up three ways that our faith can change the way that we see ourselves.  I’m planning to go back and listen to the sermon again, as clearly today’s words were words that I really needed to hear.  You could listen too if you’d like.  Click here and you have the option of listening to the audio, watching the video, and looking at the message outline.

So today I am thankful for our church, that it’s a place where we are safe and where we can grow and learn.  I am thankful for our pastoral staff; each and every one of them is amazing and we are so very blessed to be under their leadership.  And I’m thankful for the Holy Spirit’s conviction; it isn’t always pleasant and it most often doesn’t feel good, but it’s beautiful and necessary as we seek to be more like Him.  

Today, with absolute humility and in all sincerity, I accept our pastor’s challenge to pray these two simple words as we continue looking at Romans 12.

“Change me.”

Psalm 139:23-24 (NLT)

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.